Ugh
Shortly after the last post, I emailed D (the ex, not the coworker), to tell her how much I missed her friendship, and to let her know how much I especially missed it during some especially rough periods in the past year (see: here). She responded that a) she hates long emails (I knew this, but had forgotten) and because I mentioned that I was a bit drunk, she decided not to read it. Both for my sake and hers

When I responded that if she was worried if it was some sort of "drunk emailing" where I profess my love for her or something, she need not worry. She responded by calling that ridiculous and saying she was worried she'd be hurt by it.

I wish I knew why I was suprised that she still didn't get me.

I can be a very mean person. But I'm not. I work very, very hard not to be. I don't like myself when I'm that way. I wrote a shorter version of the same email...and then unsent it about a half hour later (one of the benefits of AOL), and sent her an email that was somewhat more...exhausted of it all, I guess. Told her the gist, told her I missed her, etc. She never responded.

I had added her to my buddylist so she could contact me via IM if she wanted to (if you aren't on my list, you can't talk to me...at least when I'm on instant messenger).

It's been a few days. I emailed her one last time...said that I didn't know what bugged me more...that she hasn't responded, or that it bugs me that she hasn't responded. Then I said bye. Took her off the buddylist, again.

This shit drives me nuts. Even more so, it bugs me because she's the one who was worried about us even dating because she didn't want to fuck up the friendship.

What bugs me the most, tho, is that I can't even bring myself to open up about this shit to her. Can't tell her what I really feel. Just vague crap. "Miss you", "Wish we could talk", shit like that.

I need to do something drastic with my life, get the hell out of here. The only problem is that I don't know where to go or how to get there.

Ugh.

- posted by AverageJoe @ 2:09 AM

 
Drunken posting
I'd come up with a better name for it, but honestly, I'm at a loss.

On this past Monday, I started a new job. As regular readers (do I have any left?) might recall, I've worked for the last several years in a local bar. I'm still working Saturday day shifts in said bar, but that's it.

Anyway, durring 4th of July weekend, I worked a Saturday night shift, and stayed late, because (with the holiday and all) we were short staffed. I was cooking (and stayed afterwards, hanging out and keeping an eye on everything) with two female employees working - one on the bar, one waiting tables. Both were quite experienced, and probably would have been fine. But a) the band was awesome, and b) I would have felt insanely bad if I'd left early and something had happened that was beyond their control. There were a couple of guys there that they trust (and, to be honest, I trust) to handle things...but in the end, I'm not a very trustful guy - plus, as I said, the band was really freaking good, and it was their first time playing locally.

Anyway, said band was back for show number 2, and myself and coworker D both wanted to go, and so we both did.

A few notes about D. Between my poor memory and current state of intoxication, I honestly don't know if I've talked about her here before. She's a bit older than me (a year or so). She's insanely hot - one of the nicest asses I've ever seen (for examples - my boss, who's as old as my mom, was told by his wife that, if she ever cheated on her, it better, better be with someone like D, or she would freaking kill him...that would probably be more meaningful if you knew them, but trust me on this). She's also, mostly, an amazing person. By mostly, I mean that, if you get on her bad side, she's as mean as they come. She was a year ahead of me in highschool, and I remember her pretty well...she was a bad egg then.

She's since turned her life right around, tho. She is, to be quite honest, an amazing catch. The thing is, she doesn't get that at all.

When she started working there (a few months after I did - her 4th year aniversary is coming up), she was dating this kid, C. C treated her like shit. But they'd been together for like 6-7 years, and she loved him, so she put up with it. It took like 2 years of bad news, bad treatment, and myself and other coworkers talking to her for her to finally break up with him for good.

Finally, it was R's turn. R was a regular at the bar who'd been after D for as long as she'd been there. When she was with C, he didn't have a shot and knew it, so he never pushed. Once C was gone, he gave it his all.

His all wasn't good enough. To be perfectly honest, his all was about as skilled in relationships as I was at 15 (read: not at all). The only time they had any meaningful conversation, at least one of them was drunk and it was almost always after 1am. Early on, myself and my boss (the two main voices telling her to dump C in the first place) sort of assumed it was her - that she was so high maintanence that she made it hard for herself.

Nope. Not even close. R's just an idiot. And he proved it. After like a year of working to get things going with D, he fucked it all up by cheating on her. With a bimbo who had just started working recently. Not as nice as D, not as good looking, fake tits (and not good ones at that - her nipples point opposite directions)....just..ugh. Not good for D's already troubled self esteem.

So that was a little over a month ago. Cut to tonight. Awesome band. I'm drinking, D shows up (late, altho she'd been there earlier) and starts drinking, we're hanging out with some friends and enjoying the kick ass band (cover band, so the name isn't worth anything, anyway).

I wanted to talk to her, but never got the chance. I'd kill to get a chance to really talk to her about how amazing she is and such...I hint at it from time to time, but half the time she takes it the wrong way - apparently, I'm not a very good flirt.

I'm going to try to arrange such a conversation next week, but I dunno. She needs to be pretty sober for it, or it probably won't stick at all.

other thing:

I've been on AOL for years. While it isn't a real ISP service, I use the cheap bring-your-own connection plan just to keep my email address, which I've had for years (no, you can't have it...wouldn't be very anonymous then, would I?). My last girlfriend, D (a completely different D - the two are seperated by litterally two timezones) has been an issue lately.

Some time before we broke up, she lost her AOL access. At the time, I was working a few shifts tending bar and was making really good money, and offered to pay for her account. A little while after we broke up, around the time we stopped talking all together (and she had said she wanted to be friends forever - fucking liar - but I digress), I let her know that I needed her to work out a way to start paying for AOL on her own. My credit card expired shortly after that.

Now, the odd thing. AOL, without my instruction, updated my credit card info across all three accounts (I also pay for my mother's account). I did not give it any updated info, it did this entirely on it's own.

Later on, my card number was used fraudulently, and I had it changed. Again, AOL knew.

So, it's been about 2 years, and I'm still paying for D's AOL. One of my biggest weaknesses is a fear of confrontation (one day, maybe I'll explain how I got that - it's not a long story, but it's not a happy one, either). Anyway, as I said to start this, I just changed jobs. I'm kind of broke for a while. AOL costs me over 250 a year - which is a lot of money to me. So I emailed D, and asked her to take over the payments, finally.

It was a 5 email conversation. 3 from me, 2 from her. Neither from her involved more than 6 or 7 words.

There were days when we would talk to eachother from the moment we woke up to the moment we went to bed.

She was my best friend for over a year. I have not found anyone to replace her in that role since.

She now, apparently, can't bring herself to even talk to me.

It is, to be quite honest, driving me insane. If I did not have this outlet, I'd be writing her an email right now (drunk emailing? Perhaps the next evolution of drunk dialing...)

This year has not been good to me. I could use a friend like she used to be. But she seems to have no use for me, so I'm on my own again.

As always.

You'd think I'd be used to it by now.

- posted by AverageJoe @ 1:53 AM

 
Really messed up dream
Friday is the big day at work...it's a pub, and Friday lunch is our busiest food shift, and I'm the cook for said shift. So I try to get to bed at a reasonable hour on Thursday nights (something I don't do anywhere near as often as I should, as a trip through my archives looking at post times might attest).

Anyway, lately I've been in a bit of a funk, and whenever that happens, I have trouble getting to bed. Not necessarily getting to sleep...just getting to bed. In bed, there are no distractions, and I'm alone with my thoughts. When I'm depressed, that's not always a good thing.

So on Thursday, I wanted to go to bed by 2:30 at the latest. I ended up not going to bed until close to 5. My alarm is set for 9:30. I slept badly, tossing and turning, and woke up an hour before my alarm was supposed to go off...I eventually fell back asleep, not sure when, and I eventually got out of bed at around 10 (giving me about 20 minutes to get out the door...yay)

Anyway, that's all fairly unremarkable...in fact, this is the best my sleeping has been durring a down period (the worst such periods - there have been 2 - were so bad that in the first, it cost me my job, and in the second, I had to leave my job for 3 months to get the stress of the place out of my system).

The really strange part was my dream. I'm not sure when I dreamed it...before or after I woke up at 8:30. I'm thinking it was the latter, cause the only times I ever seem to remember dreams are when I don't sleep deeply. Most nights, I have no idea what my dreams might have been about.

This dream was just strange. It took place in the old gravel parking lot behind the house I grew up in (which we moved out of last year). The lot is surrounded by houses, except for the two spots where it reaches the road for the school busses that park there to enter/exit (our old landlord also owned a schoolbus company). I was out there, apparently bouncing a tennis ball off of one of the houses - which is strange in and of itself...I never did this. There was a garage we'd bounce balls off of once in a while, but I'd never have bounced it off of this house. Between the fact that people lived there, and there were always cars parked there, it just wouldn't have happened...but in my dream, it was.

And for some reason, every so often, my ex girlfriend, the girl that I started this blog over, would walk out from behind this house (which also makes little sense, as she lived in the other direction, and never hung out in that area anyway), we would talk for a few minutes, and then something I had done would somehow become part of the conversation, it would upset her, and she would storm out...only for the whole thing to happen again a few minutes later...and this happened over and over. Many times it seems like whatever I had done, I would bring it up to apologize or explain part of it, or something...and she didn't want to hear any of it.

In the dream, the arguments weren't actual conversations. It was more like watching something happen from a distance...you can see them, and hear the voices, but you can't make out the words...but the tones and actions explain the overall context.

I have no idea what the arguments were about...this scenario never happened after we broke up, altho there were times when she had trouble talking to me because she was so angry with me, but it would usually mean she ignored me, or just gave me crap. The only thing I know is that I was at fault (which, really, isn't suprising...I blame myself for a high percentage of the things that happen in my relationships. Ladies, if you're looking for an absolute pushover, I'm your guy.)

So, basically, Friday, I woke up with a knot in the middle of my back, a headache, half an hour late, and having to try and wrap my head around this mess of a dream. And then I had to go and get ready for the busiest day of the week (where, of course, the night guy the night before had left me stuff he should have done, which I had to do before lunch started).
- posted by AverageJoe @ 10:40 PM

 
Things I love
#1: Flipping through my 6 HBO channels and coming across a movie where a gent is spanking his secretary whie she leans on his desk. And no, it's not some bad b movie - it's an actual movie, with a plot and characters and everything.

The movie, Secretary, was quite good (altho I missed the first half hour or so), and has a depth of characterization that you wouldn't expect from the premise.

Too bad it doesn't appear to be showing on one of the HBOs again any time soon...I'll have to try and find it on DVD.

Highly recommneded for those who enjoy realworld D/s (as opposed to porn D/s).
- posted by AverageJoe @ 1:14 AM

 
Rejoining the land of the living, sort of
I'm here. There isn't much to report. May was one of the worst months I've ever gone through (one young - early 20s - friend dead, one family member rescued with the help of an ambulance crew and their defibrulator).

On top of all that, my relatoinships with the opposite sex are currently dead in the water. The girl is, for all intents and purposes, out of my life. I have no idea how she feels about me, and it seems quite likely that I'll never find out. This will, eventually, drive me mad, unless I move. So, I'm going to be moving into the big city, sometime soon (current plans are for early autumn, but that may change).

I'm going to be 25 before the year is out, and that would mean I've lived in this town for 20 years. God, that's a scary thought...

Anyway, I'm back. No clue how often I'll be posting, but I'll try. Sadly, there isn't much to post.

Update: Oh yeah, I've fixed a few things that were bugging me. My name at the bottom of each post is now a link with my email address, and the sidebar is quite a bit shorter...some of those sites died of their own volition, some I just stopped reading for one reason or another. Either way, the sidebar to the left is a complete list of my regular sex-blog roundup. If you've got a blog or two you'd like to suggest, feel free in comments or email.
- posted by AverageJoe @ 1:28 AM

 
I am still here
I know it's been a while. I'm not sure I have any readers left (not that I ever had many).

Anyway, the past few weeks have been completely uneventful in my atempts to woo the girl. The only contact since my last post was a single email, which basically said "yes, I got your email". I have no idea what to make of this.


I really would like to just talk to her and get it over with. Very much so...
- posted by AverageJoe @ 3:23 AM

 
Mixed Signals suck!
I saw the girl at work today, and told her to answer her email. Turns out that her brother, who owns the computer (she is something of a ludite), has been out of town for some time, and so she couldn't get access to the PC to get her email.

She will, hopefully, be checking it in the next day or two. I hope.

So we'll see. Meanwhile, she continues to send mixed signals. I have no clue what the heck is going to come of this, but I do know that I'm following through on it.

I'm just sick of waiting for it all to get started.
- posted by AverageJoe @ 12:28 AM